From your beloved Father,
Today I was almost arrested for child abuse (Caleb). Instead, after successfully pointing out Owen’s guilt, I was charged with corrupting the morals of a minor. Before you disown me, hear me out.
Last night was my turn to put the little boys to bed. Boys will be boys, you know, and the bathroom scene was dragging out. So when Justin went up to bed first, I went up to sing him his song and get one of them down. Then time stopped. Well, at least it was taking a long time. So I laid down on Owen’s bed. It felt good, but smelled like the wrong side of underwear. So, getting an evil thought, I decided to make it worth my while. I completely covered myself with these large diapers, er, I mean, with these itty bitty blankets they have on that bed. Then I waited with evil Chuckles (he’s my friend who hides in my throat).
After a while, Owen and Caleb came up to the bedroom. Owen saw what the jig was at once. He shrieked "There’s a bear in my bed." and came over to rip the blanket off my head. But poor, tender morsel Caleb was instantly up the top of the nearest bunk-bed (which happened to be Rundy’s)– quivering with fear. Consequently, he did not get to see the unveiling of the bear. So, silently, I pulled the covers back over my head. Meanwhile, Justin and Owen urged Caleb to come to bed. "I don’t want to, I think there is a bear in my bed," he said. "Oh, there’s nothing in your bed that will hurt you," they said. "Come to bed."
So, of course being a firm father, and knowing that my dear little mouthful needed his sleep, I decided to make the upper bunk less attractive than the lower bunk. So, I reached above my head and shook the mattress board to Evan’s bed. Don’t know what it looked like from across the way where Caleb was, but I heard something like a wimper. . . coming from farther away than before.
"Come to bed," said my innocent little bioflavinoids.
"Nooo-ooooo–ah—ohhh!!!" Or, something like that.
Well. I mean, what was I going to do?? I couldn’t leave him up there all night. That would be irresponsible. So, I shook Evan’s bed board again, I mean vigorously, like the apples better come down, or else!
"Huh. . . huh. . . shrieeeeeeekk!"
"Yaaahh, yaahhh, oooohh!" Well, you get the general idea.
Something is obviously bothering the boy. Being a natural born, concerned, and loving father, I immediately stood up to see what was wrong. I mean, I forgot to take the blanket off my head when I popped up between the bunks. How was I to know that would make him all hysterical? I think his brothers were trying to subdue him, or something. Anyhow. When he’s going waaaahhh, eeeeeeeeenn! and some other creepy sounds, and wetting Rundy’s bed, and he’s starting to get me upset. I wouldn’t want to sleep in that either. So I take the blanket off my head so I can get a better hold of the situation. Imagination is full throttle now. Didn’t do no good. Branded a bear for life– by my own kids. Anyhow, after he got his vision back, and saw that I was his loving dad, he got down to his own bed for a rousing rendition of "The ants go stomping Caleb" to the tune of some other song I used to know. That seemed to quiet him down. Though Rundy says, at 4:00 a.m. Caleb had some nightmare about a bear trying to get him. Oh, well, one nightmare is as good as another I guess. Just changed the theme a little.
Tonight, Teman asked Caleb if he had any trouble with bears in his bed last night.
"Did you shoot him"
"No, I just balled off my head."
And, now you know my side of the story. Bail is $500.00. Please hurry. The sheets stink here.